II. Death with Inspiration and Gratitude – 2 of 4
This blog post is part 2 of a 4 part series. I thought this series may be helpful to anyone who is facing the death of a loved one or knows anyone that has passed away. At times you may find it difficult to read, yet in the end I hope you can see the inspiration and gratitude I found in this 24 hour period.
After kissing Ian goodnight and ensuring he was comfortable and safe I gave instructions to Marc, Ian’s brother, and Pierre, Ian’s best friend, as to what and how to administer any medications Ian might need. They were going to take the night shift as I was exhausted. He had had his first dose of morphine around 8pm which is why I think he was sleeping so peacefully. I was relieved to have Marc and Pierre there as it was the first time since our family had returned from Seattle that I wasn’t alone with Ian. After having the hospice nurse tell us, earlier that evening, that it could be weeks if not months before Ian would die, I was ready to sleep. I hadn’t slept in almost 48 hours.
I walked down to my daughter’s room and wrote in my journal about everything I could remember from the day. I felt things were happening which were bigger than me and I wanted to remember every detail. I sat on my daughter’s twin bed with the blue satin comforter and white fake fur blanket which we had bought in Seattle at the kids Pottery Barn and shipped home.
I dropped my journal to the floor and laid back and looked up into the canopy circle above the bed which flowed down with white gauzy material accented with pink and blue streamers. The puppy and kittens on the chair rail wallpaper boarder played and cuddled. The blue lattice wall paper above and the pastel pink, blue, yellow and green wavy stripped wall paper below made me feel safe and loved. The mass of stuffed animals I pushed to the floor plopped down and settled on the floor along side the bed. I found Jenna’s loved to death “Yellow” blanket as she called it under her pillow. It was the blanket that Jenna first laid down on when she was brought home from the hospital after her life threatening surgery at birth. You could hardly call this piece of shredded material a blanket, but the warmth, safety and security that it gave Jenna was beyond what a full sized blanket could provide. I nuzzled “Yellow” and held it tight as I prayed to God and my angels. I prayed that when the time was right that they would take Ian quickly and painlessly. I had heard too many horror stories about people dying while we were in Seattle. I couldn’t bear that happening to Ian. I was confused as to how long this was going to go on as the doctor had said one thing and the hospice nurse another. I thought back to the moment that I pulled the kids into Rob’s room that day and had told them I had bad news – that, “Daddy was going to die.” How Rob screamed – how Jenna ran to Daddy – how miraculously Daddy was coherent and available – how it went better than I could have planned for it.
I drifted off to sleep while praying and running through my thoughts on the day. I awoke in a most breathtaking place. I was surrounded by gleaming white and gold open aired buildings. A brilliant blue sky with glorious white shimmering clouds floating through the sky. People, spirits, hurriedly, scurrying from one place to another preparing a huge feast, banquet, party. It was full of excitement and decorations and so many souls. My angels said, “Lisa, we are preparing for the arrival of the Great Ian Sharpe. We have been preparing a long time and the time is near for his brilliant soul to come and join us!” I had such a sense of euphoria and anticipation. As I continued to observe an announcement was being repeated by a tall loving soul, with two spirits following behind him gonging the most beautiful bell tones, “The Grand Mr. Ian Sharpe is about to arrive!” The floors of marble, gleaming clean and love surrounding everything. The sense of anticipation was palpable. The place I was in was so much more than I could ever describe because it was like nothing here on earth. It had to be Heaven. I was caught up in the moment watching all that was happening when trumpets sounded and then…knock, knock, knock – “Lisa, Lisa wake up. We think Ian just passed away!”
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